I grew up with the honorific "Ms" in the cultural lexicon. Its days of controversy were largely over before I came on the scene in the late 80s and grew up as a millennial during the tech boom of the early aughts. My mother was a feminist, and I was raised in a pro-choice, Ms-using household. I had no idea the assumptions people made and put upon the Mses of the world. I knew it was an alternative to Miss and Mrs., but I truly never gave it much thought.
The importance of Ms crystallized in my mind during a meeting of Rebel Readers Cleveland, a local book club that "lifts voices of diverse authors and explores stories of intersecting identities to build bridges between cultures and communities (Rebel Readers Press Release).
One of the book club regulars, a woman named Vicky, introduced herself to the group as a progressive who had been protesting "since Kent State," referencing the May 4, 1970 protest at Kent State University, where the National Guard opened fire on students gathered to protest US involvement in the Vietnam War, killing four. Vicky also mentioned remembering when the introduction of "Ms" as an honorific was controversial to the status quo.
That got my attention, especially since we had gathered to discuss Maia Kobabe's graphic memoir, Gender Queer - presently the most banned book in America. I felt like this was a path to common ground that could help capture the nuance of non-binary gender identities for people who couldn't imagine something different than simply being a man or woman.
One of the most common questions I receive as a queer (and gender queer) person is, "Why does it have to be so hard and confusing? Why can't you just be one thing?"
But feminists know a binary too, and they've broken out of it. Prior to Ms, women were categorized as married or unmarried. And if you can understand the importance of Ms to break free from the married-or-not binary, then I think you're halfway to understanding the importance of non-binary gender identity as well.
A History of Ms
Prior to its widespread use, Ms may as well have been an abbreviation for "mystery," because that's what its purpose was - to introduce its user independently of her marital status.
Ms was a way to say "I don't owe you this information. I do not wish to participate in a system that only designates me as marriageable or already married."
Sheila Michaels brought Ms to the mainstream, after seeing the honorific on a piece of mail addressed to her housemate. It instantly resonated with her, as she had been searching for a term women could use that didn't signify their belonging to a man.
“There was no place for me. No one wanted to claim me and I didn’t want to be owned. I didn’t belong to my father and I didn’t want to belong to my husband–someone who could tell me what to do."
(Sheila Michaels, quoted by The Guardian, 2017)
In my search for some of Sheila's writing (she was a writer and editor), I discovered that she drafted John Lewis's 1963 March on Washington speech. These drafts are archived with her other work as the "Sheila Michaels Papers" at the University of Southern Mississippi. She was obviously a champion of civil rights and intersectionality, and as her campaign to spread Ms to the masses continued, the honorific came under scrutiny and criticism.
Michaels went on to discuss Ms on a radio interview for WBAI, a liberal station based out of New York, in 1969 - which made its way to Gloria Steinem, a Toledo, Ohio native and the leader of the second wave feminist movement. Steinem was about to launch a new women's magazine, and in 1972, the first issue of Ms. magazine sold out in only eight days.
The New York Times featured the honorific Ms on its front page in 1986, once it had "passed sufficiently into the language to be accepted as common usage."
An Honorific for Divorcees and Lesbians?
Originally an abbreviation of "Mistress" as early as 1701, the civil rights resurgence of the term simply sought to create a maritally-neutral form of address for women. After all, "Mr" didn't indicate whether or not a man was married, so why should women have to disclose that information at their first introduction?
But despite being a widely used term that makes perfect sense, Ms still gets its share of negative snap judgments.
For many, Ms is a loaded term that brings up myriad assumptions about sexuality and political leanings, usually used in a derogatory sense. In a 2017 article from ABC Radio Sydney, listeners reported a variety of interpretations of the honorific that allude to its overall negative connotation.
The use of Ms is "aggressive" and "forceful" rather than neutral
Its use implies that a woman has "something to hide"
Ms = Divorced. Full stop.
Ms = Lesbian. Full stop.
"It is a courtesy title which does not indicate marital status. But I think it is time to recognise that for some, it has acquired a derogatory sense, an association with what some will regard as extreme feminism."
(Sue Butler of the Macquarie Dictionary, quoted by ABC Radio Sydney, 2017)
At the close of the piece, author James Valentine scratches the surface of the connection between this neutral honorific and non-binary gender identities.
A Queering of Honorifics
Valentine says, "I think it's a history worth taking note of as we now consider similar issues of language and interaction for those who want their gender status to be neutral, or beyond the binary."
I say that it's already here and happening, and it is my hope that neutral pronouns and the gender neutral honorific Mx are soon as widespread as Ms has become. Sure, it will come with assumptions, just as Ms does, but the way forward is to learn, accept, and utilize more neutral and inclusive terms.
Even in my short dive into the history of Ms, I learned that it was (and in some cases still is) hugely controversial, similar to the way that people speak about non-binary gender identity.
Just as "Ms" was a way to seek independence, to say "I do not belong to my father or husband, and I get to be the one who lets you in on my marital status if and when I decide to," so non-binary gender is a way to convey a similar point.
Ms, though it does indicate gender, still holds back a lot of information that others used to be entitled to (and who became angry when it was no longer the norm).
Neutral pronouns (including they/them, Spivak pronouns e/em/eir, or other neopronouns such as xe/xem/xer or ze/zim/zir) mean that my gender identity, and all of the complicated experiences based on the assumptions and assignments of what my body means about me in society, are for me to know and dole out as you prove yourself trustworthy of receiving such information about my identity and lived experience.
Ms is a political statement of autonomy.
Mx is a political statement of autonomy.
In Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer, one of eir stories is about speaking with a radical feminist aunt who grew up protesting just like my new friend Vicky from book club. The aunt asked if Maia's gender neutrality and discomfort with eir "female" parts were really just internalized misogyny. Unfortunately we don't get to see that whole conversation play out - the discussion cuts to several hours later.
But our supposedly separate fights, the fight against sexism and the fight against binary gender assignments and roles, are intersected. We all want freedom from gender discrimination. We all want to protect the parts of ourselves that aren't for strangers to know. We all have to deal with the assumptions people will make, whether we use Ms or Mx or even if we just look different than people expect us to.