Do you suspect that there’s something amiss in your relationship?
Whether it’s with a romantic partner or a friend or a family member, it doesn’t matter. But something feels wrong and you think maybe if you had better boundaries or could stand up for yourself this wouldn’t be happening. You might be wondering if you should leave, or make an ultimatum, or put your foot down. You might be considering going on strike with your household duties until your partner realizes how much you do.
You might be scared to do any of those things.
Your fear is valid. Your worry is valid. Your shame, anger, sadness, and loneliness – all valid.
You are going through a lot right now, and you might not be ready to make a life-changing decision.
And that is okay.
It takes an average of seven times for an abuse victim to leave the relationship.
Seven.
If this is the first you’re realizing your relationship is not healthy, it is not only okay to not be ready to take that step, it’s normal.
There are so many factors that go into leaving.
Do you have kids? How old are they? Are you financially and socially secure enough to be a single parent? Are you prepared for a custody battle? Are you pregnant? Will you lose your health insurance if you get divorced? Do you have a place to stay? Can you afford your housing payments on your own? Do you have a job? Do you have childcare? Are you ill? Is your partner physically abusive? Do you have an advocate? Do you have a religious or cultural background that shames divorce? Do you feel responsible for your partner’s well-being?
The factors of leaving a traumatic relationship are innumerable and overwhelming. Especially when you don’t have the means to make such a huge decision.
I was incredibly privileged.
My husband and I had separate accounts, and I had enough income from my job to easily pay a deposit and rent in a new apartment, without him knowing I was saving money. I had friends who helped me move. I was able to move when he was out of the country, which allowed me to not get sucked back in by his promises and gaslighting. He was never physically abusive and I did not fear for my physical safety.
So many people do not have these privileges, and leaving is an even more delicate dance.
He found out my plan because someone leaked my posts from a private Facebook group where I had discussed my abuse. He had someone stalk the house while I moved out. My father took his side when I left and now I have two estranged parents instead of one.
I am absolutely traumatized from my relationship with my abuser and it has affected every relationship since. It took me two tries, but I got out.
If you cannot leave right now, that is okay.
It is okay for this to be a process.
You are worthy and valuable and deserve better, even if you are not ready to leave today.
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For help identifying or leaving an abusive relationship, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-7233
Caitlin Liz Fisher 